You Might Be A Liberal

I recently noticed a bumper sticker that featured the definition of a Liberal and a Conservative:

There’s tolerance for you! The bumper sticker got me thinking (I know, we conservatives aren’t suppose to be capable of free thought!) - What is a liberal? Searching the web, I found many examples that wouldn’t fit on a bumper sticker, but fit just fine here:

• You think that consenting adults can engage freely in every activity except capitalism
• You think the really alarming violence takes place outside the abortion clinic.
• You’ve ever referred to the “root cause” of something
• You think we never gave peace a chance
• You had to be told that “Manhattan,” “menopause” and “boycott” were not sexist words
• You begin sentences with the words “I feel”
• Your driver’s license has a hyphen because for you one last name just isn’t enough
• You think it takes a village
• You are a man and you hate yourself
• You hate your dad
• Someone offers you a Draught, you heard Draft, and headed for Canada
• You’re a woman and you don’t shave
• You think tofu is food
• You think the Daily Show is “news”
• You think that the words “to promote the general welfare” in the Constitution mean to promote welfare generally
• You reach the limits of your talent and then complain that you ran into a glass ceiling
• You think that the really dangerous McCarthy was Joe, not Eugene
• You think that if someone is getting richer, someone, somewhere, must be getting poorer
• You think that protestors outside nuclear power plants are dedicated activists, but protestors outside abortion clinics are dangerous zealots interfering with a legal activity
• You believe that more federal regulations will make your life better
• You believe that even though the top 20 percent of taxpayers pay 80 percent of income taxes, that the rich are not paying their “fair share
• You believe in global warming today just as firmly as you believed in global cooling back in the 1970s
• You believe that there was never, ever a problem with biased news coverage until Fox News went on the air
• You believe that Mikhail Gorbachev deserves more credit for losing the Cold War than Ronald Reagan deserves for winning it
• Your parents gave you an acre of preserved rain forest for your first birthday
• You cannot name a single NASCAR driver
• You mentally subtract 100 points from someone’s IQ if the person speaks with a Southern accent
• You think that the phrase “separation of church and state” is in the Constitution
• You pride yourself on your global awareness, global sensitivity and global outlook, but can’t name your state legislator or school board representative
• You believe that a woman should make it on her own, without depending on her husband (except for Hillary Clinton)
• You believe that rich people should not be allowed to contribute so much money to candidates for office (except for George Soros)
• You believe that government should make a special effort to hire members of traditionally oppressed groups, such as African-Americans (except for Clarence Thomas, Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice)
• You feel a deep sense of common cause with oppressed groups, such as Hispanic immigrants (except for Cuban Americans fleeing Castro)
• You think people in south Florida, who can’t figure out how to work a butterfly ballot, ought to have the final say in choosing the president of the United States
• You have no problem with Hollywood movie starts flying around in private jets to give speeches on the evils of SUVs
• You think that raising taxes will reduce the budget deficit
• You deplore prejudice and bigotry in all its forms, but think that everyone in the “red states” is an idiot
• You are more concerned, more often, with the rights of convicted felons than you are with the rights of small business owners
• You uphold a woman’s right to choose, unless a woman chooses adoption, chooses to be a stay-at-home mom, chooses to homeschool, or chooses to start a business
• You have used the phrase, “in Europe, the government pays for health care and vacation,” without irony
• You are worried about how the French view Americans
• You believe that nativity scenes should be banned from public view, but that anyone objecting to pornography “only has to look the other way”
• Your father wore flowers and your mother wore army boots in the sixties
• Your FIVE-YEAR-OLD tells YOU what to do!
• And finally, you are almost certainly a liberal if you refuse to admit that you’re a liberal, and accuse anyone of calling you a liberal of McCarthyism